ick

I was a high achiever
a perfectionist
the eldest child
the good girl
and
I required control somewhere in my life
it's the most basic thing that can be manipluated
what goes in and out of your body
no-one should be able to dictate that
but enough is never enough
and there is this voice that prevails most of the time
that used to tell me that if I didn't eat,
everything will be okay

over time, that transformed into

"if you do eat, there will be terrible repercussions"

it feels like the only way of living that I know now

even though it's not living at all.