my body makes me so unhappy.
I feel like I am being forced to wear something that does not fit,
that does not suit, that just doesn't look right.
stupidly staring breasts, the sickle scar above the larger of the two
ugly, ill-formed nipples of unripened pink
they point in different directions like blind eyes
my arms are no good
sandbagged by fat on the upper where they join at the elbow
they are curvaceous & when pressed to me they flatten
the flesh laid flat to my hidden ribs
how can my hips be so wide?
they were, seemingly not so long ago,
wrought with just-sub-skin patterns of purple all along
the sharp edged protusions
of my bones
now they are thickened,
tangibly coated in fat that wraps around me
in a lopsided, scarred band
particularly thick at the back, just above my buttocks
it's no good down there, either
wobbly, puckered, dead muscle & coarse parchment skin
elephant legs with the reddend-roll
where the thigh hits the knees
wide wide wide
I feel like Frankenstein's monster
pasted pieces of others & a skin I do not belong in
I have been sewn up in the wrong body
I long to tear this unfeeling, putrefying mass to pieces with my own teeth.
We all have our insecurities- some more than others. Perspective is seeing someone who is horribly disfigured from an accident or both with some awful defect through no fault of their own.
ReplyDeleteI know how fortunate I am in that regard. I know that I'm lucky in a lot of ways, & that riddles me with guilt for being so ungrateful.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I know that I am able to change how I look & instead of complaining, I should just do something about it.
Thankyou for your comment, I haven't had one for ages :)